i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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