On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
