My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
