Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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