pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
