Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
