Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
no, he came in my armpit
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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