Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
