she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
