Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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