my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
