The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
