Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
