you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
