Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
