so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
