the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
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