Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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