I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
