Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
