We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
