i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
