we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
