the condom got lost in my hair
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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