I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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