i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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