Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
