ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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