He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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