wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
