Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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