I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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