sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
