You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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