And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
