I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
