if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
