i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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