hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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