Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
