she woke up with a sticky ear
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
