I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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