Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
