Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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