apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
