I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
zippers are such a cool invention
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
