if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
