Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
