she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
