Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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