By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
