A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
