we're chasing vodka with high fives
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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