I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You're like the curious george of whores
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
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