I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
