He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm too high and old for this...
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
