I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
