just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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