i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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