so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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